I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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