I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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