Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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