I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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