I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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