I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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