my shit smells like andre
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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