i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
