ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
