I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
