EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
