I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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