I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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