Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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