No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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