I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Randomize
