So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
