I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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