Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
