Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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