It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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