i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
