she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
3 2 1 whiskey
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
