Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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