just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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