Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
