you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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