38 yer olds are good kisserssss
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
