This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
