I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
