I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
4 words: hood of his car
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
