Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
