I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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