I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
