You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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