You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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