if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
