i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?