She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
