Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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