He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
