Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
