We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
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