You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
