im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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