my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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