I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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