I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
