oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
