So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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