Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
