Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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