You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
