A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success