she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
