The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
